This chapter is not going to be a long one. It's not going to be a pleasant one either. But it is an important one.
It is a chapter in the story of my life and my travels, and specifically one of the big trips in this book, so this is where it belongs.
The time frame for this chapter is even more unusual, and is not going to be canonical since a bunch of related stuff happened by now that I want to get out of the way and summarize in here.
↑ to topPhilippine Pratfall
27-Jul-2020 - 28-Sep-2022
So, I'm sure you remember Elgen, the Filipino woman whom I met online during the Green Shnolz pandemic and then finally went to visit in the Philippines (see Book V ~ Chapter 8 ~ Philippine Prospect).
Even before we met in person, we had already made plans to start a family together. As such, I even refurbished the Fushimi Room of the Fox Loft in order to increase it's capacity. Now it even features a snuggly little fox (and cat) den.
Making that was no easy feat. I spent futile months trying to find a carpenter to make me a custom double loft bed, before finally settling on a pair of reasonably affordable run-of-the-mill loft beds. Annoyingly, the materials for those were only delivered to the doorstep, and I am living in the second floor, so getting all the materials up through the much-too-small stairwell was both tricky and exhausting. Putting them together all on my own took several more hours as well. But the true finish was only when I put my sewing skills to use to craft custom curtains for the Den from foxy fabric.
Prior to visiting her in the Philippines, I even went through the trouble of issuing a Formal Obligation for her in my name. For those of you not familiar with the term, that is effectively a pledge of me saying that I'll take care of her while she's here and cover her expenses. And for whatever archaic reason, the government offices needed that document in original print. Not like it's the 21st century or anything and digital information exchange is a thing or anything...
I gave that Formal Obligation to Elgen while I was visiting her, together with Emilious, my third faithful plush companion through a number of travels (after Liete and Tommy, both of whom are waiting at home now). When I left, Elgen and I made a promise. I'd leave Emilious with her to keep her company and remind her of me, and upon getting back I'd get a fennec plushie to remind me of her, and we'd soon meet again and not only reunite with one another, but also have our pair of fox plushies meet one another.
And thus it happened that not soon after my return, a cute little fennec plushie joined the ranks of fox plushies in the Fox Den. I do not want to recall the name that Elgen gave her, but the name that she bears now is Theria.
The next challenge would be getting Elgen to visit me here in Germany. An challenge is the right word for it, because for Filipinos, the bar to get even a simple tourist visa for Europe is set so stupidly high that Elgen had absolutely no chance of clearing it (on account of not having an official long time job with a record of having been employed for at least 6 months).
So, we decided to go all-in and go for a marriage visa right away. After all, we had both already made up our minds, I had proposed, and she had said yes. Naturally, the bar for a marriage visa was still absurdly high, but at least it was something that we could clear if we worked together, or so I thought. And thus, I got to work, drew up a list of the things we had to get and do, and finally drafted up a whole battle plan with all the steps and the order in which we needed to complete them.
Among other things, we need to apply for the marriage here in Germany, then send the confirmation for the registration to the Philippines, along with copies of a whole stack of documents, and so on and so forth. Elgen also needs to learn basic German skills, and I'm happy to support her, but...
I did leave her some money to get the visa process started and have her start German classes, but she soon tells me that she gave all that money to her family. I should send her a bit more money one more time after that, but I soon begin to realize that while I'm putting a lot of time, money and effort into this big endeavor, the progress on her end is bit... lackluster.
Days turn to weeks as she grows more distant, a grim realization begins to dawn, and hopes turn to fears. As such, it does not come as a complete surprise when one day at the end of September, not even two months after I left Davao, she sends me these messages.
There's more to that, but that's the core. Among other things, she also complains that she feels that I did not accept her family. Yeah, right...
For some time, I'm trying to save our relationship, but there's nothing that I can say or do. Several friends of mine speculate that she was only after my money, but I, having met her, think she's really just scared to leave her family or home, no matter what. And I for my part could imagine to live in many places in the world, but sadly, the Philippines are not among them. So that's that.
Now all that's left is a heartbroken fox. It does not hurt as much as the first time, or the second time, for that matter, or the third, or the fourth, or the fifth. It feels like by now, I'm getting used to having my heart broken, which is probably a bad thing. And yet, somehow no matter what I try, all my romances always end up going roughly like this:
(Click here to view the video if the website fails to load it)
At this point, I seriously have to wonder if there's something wrong with me.
I briefly consider giving Theria away too, or leaving her out in the forest, so she does not keep reminding me of Elgen. But I decide against it. Rather than abandoning the poor little plushie like I was abandoned, I choose to adopt her as my own, giving her her new name in the process. From now on, Theria is going to be my mascot going forward, and maybe one day I will indeed find a sweet vixen who will bring a mate for Theria as well. For the moment, though, I can only wonder where the one with whom I'm supposed to be together with is hiding, or if she even exists at all.
I wish I could and this chapter on a hopeful note right here - and as a matter of fact, I did - but regrettably, stuff happened, and so I now need to extend it to go on for a little longer.
Subsequent Searching
22-Oct-2022 - 17-Mar-2023
It takes me about a month after the breakup with Elgen until I feel ready to go out searching again. The question is: How? So far, nothing worked for me, and yet, dating sites seem like the best option right now.
The first thing I try is Hinge, "The Dating App designed to be deleted", as it says, and after trying it out, I can only wholeheartedly agree. I give up on creating an account after roughly 15 minutes and delete the app.
The next thing is OKCupid, which I already tried once and which at least gave me a date back then. And since I figure I'm a wholly different person now, I might give it a second shot. The thing is... though "free", it turns out to be a total rip-off. For as long as I'm not paying, I get dozens of likes, and all I need to do to see who likes me is pay. Well, having just sunk several thousand € into the Philippines, the 30€ for a one-month OKCupid subscription don't even register, and surprise! Turns out almost all of those who liked me are actually from Nigeria or something, and even those who are closer don't actually write back. It's all just baiting. I wonder how much they get paid to distribute likes to non-paying hapless members. And what's worst, my subscription eventually ends despite OKCupid desperately trying to bait me to stay and... guess what? While I had my subscription up, I barely got a single like all that time. The day after it ended, however, I suddenly and totally coincidentally have two dozen likes again! What a scam! And in all that time, I only ended up meeting a single person there, and she just ignored me all winter, so I let it be.
Next, I try my luck with furry dating sites again, knowing fully well that the amount of furry fandom's free female ratio is abysmally low. But oh well. The first thing I try is Ferzu, and there I come across an entirely new problem, namely that the gender-field there is not binary, and offers a dozen different options, including "other". Now, gender identity is all well and good, but something like this is not really helpful if your goal is to find someone who both wants and is physically able to start a family with you. Imagine the intro: "Hi, I like your profile, I just wanted to ask if you're actually female because I'm looking for someone to have kits with." Great, eh? Anyway, I end up chatting with a few females there, none of which are closer than 1000km, and in the end, nothing comes of it. But at least I didn't have to pay for it either.
I should actually meet some interesting furry ladies there, but nothing comes of it. A vixen from Japan just stops talking to me all of a sudden, one from Brazil barely ever responded, and although I end up chatting with a nice doe from the USA for long enough that I even end up drawing her a cute little pic, that connection eventually slows down and falls permanently asleep as well.
The forth attempt (it's February by now, by the way) comes in the form of the furry dating app Barq. That one turns out to be a good start, for I quickly end up chatting with a few nice people, including a very interesting vixen.
And that would be great, if not for...
Foxy Falseness
18-Mar-2023 - 20-Apr-2023
"Never trust a vixen."
Marlfox
"If it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't true."
Unknown
"Watch out for that falling emu!"
Llewellyn
Hope can be a stupid thing. It makes you believe that good things can happen to you. And when they do seem to happen, it makes you vulnerable and exploitable. Just like what happened to me when I thought I finally had found the vixen of my dreams after all these years. We seemed to get along great, and it was all sunshine and rainbows. She was even sort of nearby, working as an offshore worker on a rig in lake Geneva, travelling all over the world during her work. A travelling vixen for the travelling fox. It seemed like a dream matchup. We even made plans for her to come visit me on 20-Apr and stay for some time. And during that time, I was so happy. The fact that she claims to have a daughter who is into books and games makes for an interesting addition. Me, having failed to start a family for so long am actually looking forward to that, since it means getting a head start on the family that I've wanted for so long.
Of course, there is a catch. Skillfully played, this vixen - who goes by the name of Ashley - first works for several weeks to get me emotionally dependent on her, and then she dumps this on me:
I am aware that it is a trap. In fact, my little scarred fox heart breaks again right there and then, and I cry all through the night, desperate and conflicted. I even scratch myself up again, which is not something I have done for a long time, and a dead giveaway of the extreme stress that I am under. The last time I did that was, I think, before I left Cesonia (see Book V ~ Prologue ~ Pandemic Passage), though I didn't write of that there.
The next day, we have a big fight, I accuse her of being a scammer, and she gets angry at me and denies it and all. I should have broken off contact right there and then, but stupid hope did not let me, and Ashley played me like a lute, plucking all the right strings to make me dance to her tune. She appeals to my helpful and naive Flirial side, and I suppose also to the typically male provider and protector instinct. And in the end, she gets me to the point where I actually send her some money, hoping desperately and against all odds that this is not the trap of which I'm certain that it is. But my emotional and hopeful side overrule my rational side. At least it still manages to negotiate a compromise, and so I only send as much money as my monthly budget can handle, and down the drain go 600€ that would have otherwise ended up on my savings account.
And for a while, things look up again. Everything is happy, she promises to pay me back, says she's looking forward to our meeting on the 20th, but then, no one saw it coming:
More arguing ensues, and in the end, I send her another 66€, mostly because I want to turn my loss into a significant number. Of course, that's not enough and she gets angry with me about that, saying she needs at least quadruple digits, and then her nanny's mom "dies" and she has to go back to the USA to clean things up and can't come to see me. Big Whoop. At least I made her work for it and had her send me over a (doubtlessly forged, and not even very skillfully) bank statement. Oh, and on another note, she also told me she had an inheritance worth 10000$ in gold waiting for her. As if!
She seems intent on keeping the connection alive, but I, I'm through. I do what I should have done when she first asked for money and terminate all communications. After all, it was already painfully obvious back than that this could only result in a...
Destined Depression
21-Apr-2023 - ?
I end up crying and hiding in my Fox Loft, all shutters closed, trying to shut out the cruel world as best I can, trying not to vent my frustration on my poor innocent cats. What I feel is a tempest of emotions ranging from rage and hate to despair and sadness. It feels like I have been raped emotionally. In the end, they cancel out to "depression", and I feel nothing. Or rather, I feel the edges of the storm of emotions into the eye of which I have retreated as I sit in darkness and don't want to feel anything anymore.
For me, this is the end of an era. It feels like I finally won't be able to trust anyone anymore. It feels like all hope has died. If I meet someone new, I'll look at her and wonder how she'll try to exploit me. I don't think I'll ever be able to believe in anyone again. Maybe I'm wrong, but after what hope has made me go through, it would be better if it just stayed dead. I won't be searching for a vixen anymore. Granted, Ashley probably wasn't even a real vixen. She probably wasn't even a real Furry, and was just there to exploit hapless and naive furs for her own gain, but I don't care.
I know life will go on, whether I want it to or not, and I have yet more tales to tell. So rest assured, this is not the end, even though it sure feels like it to me. It may be the end of an era, but it is not yet the end of the Travelling Fox Blog Era. I hope you are all having a significantly better time than me, and wish you all the best until the next chapter.
